apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
