guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I understand Curling. That high.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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