My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
