It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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