Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
