i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
