She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
