Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
