i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
