I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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