this just has baby written all over it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
