he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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