I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
