you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
