He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
