Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
