Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found puke in my bra..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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