My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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