In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
