yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
