i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
