I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
