The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
