I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
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My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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