Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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