R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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