There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
