I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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