I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
