After last night, I could never be a politician.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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