my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
