proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
