i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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