Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
