I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
