Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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