I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
