seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
