Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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