new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
