it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How does one acquire holy water?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
