youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
