i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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