Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't deserve a penis
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
