when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
