I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize