Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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