How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
