batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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