Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
