Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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