Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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