life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
