Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
