The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
